Wants

I saw him coming out of my favorite coffee shop.

He knows I go there everyday.

It’s completely out of his way.

I haven’t replied to his message yet since.

I don’t know what I want.

I thought I wanted an affair, a new husband, I wanted a lifetime friend… someone to share my life, my mind, my body with.

We were entranced with each other for a while. I told him my wants and he refused to move from the medium of sexual banter.

That was of course until he stood there in front of me.

I gave him the look of a deer in headlights I’m sure of it.

I didn’t speak a word to him – hell I blocked him.

But it leaves me perplexed.

What is it that I want?

He was there. He messaged me and wished me a Happy Valentines.

My consciousness scares me sometimes.

I can feel the assumed pain of others.

Yet, the wants of my own – when they realize and after I cast them out onto the universe begging for their return – I see them materialize and I’m stunned.

Why!

Maybe I should be careful what I ask for – I have heard that phrase many times.

I want you. Does that mean you too with eventually scare me?

My consciousness frightens me sometimes.

I wake up with a realization I am apart of something way bigger than I – yet some how I still have meaning (even if it’s just to one person).

The weight of the world is indeed to much to bear for one individual and I don’t wish it upon anyone.

I can feel you wanting to be apart of my mind.

I know you want me apart of yours.

I won’t run away.

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Fighting for Me

There are times when I’m so engrossed with trying to be liked by someone that I lose myself.

I forget that I’m beautiful.

I forget that I’m sexy.

I forget that I’m smart.

I forget that I’m worth loving just the way I am.

It’s ironic that I can love someone just the way they are but when it comes believing someone could love me just the same I struggle.

There are times I don’t even realize I’m living in the fallacy. I just see all that is wrong with me.

It’s a terrible way of thinking. Very detrimental to the psyche.

It’s almost like a storm hiding a bright blue sky.

I’m use to it though and I’ve learned to dance in the darkness. I drink the rain and count the paces between the lighting and thunder.

I know my worth and even though there are times I forget it’s all apart of what makes me me.

It makes me unique and shows my resiliency.

It makes me stronger.

I’ve learned to love my journey and take the long road.

When I notice I’ve been in the darkness for to long I pack up my dancing shoes and process self reflection.

I write.

I exercise.

I sleep.

I take time for myself.

It’s all about me.

Songs

No matter how much I’d like to believe the songs are about me they are not.

Those artist were inspired by someone in their lives and even though they may fit a certain pattern that fits the dynamics of my life. It’s not about me personally.

It’s funny how I can hear song and instantly think of you.

I see you in the realm of my daily life. Just random things that remind me of you.

I wonder if you see me too.

Could someone be hearing me in their life?

Could someone be thinking of me when I am no longer in their presence?

Could someone be seeing my face in their stars?

It’s an interesting thought I’m pondering because it’s forcing me to believe that I may be someones one.

Valentines Day

Waiting for that special card.

Sitting there watching as the other girls get flowers and chocolates.

Your bag is empty.

There no secret admirer. There no one to make you feel special.

Its happened every year since Elementary school.

The others girls would get personalized cards from the boys in the class and you – You got the standard card that is handed out to everyone – you’re lucky if you name is even on the card.

This maybe a manufactured holiday built to push forward the pockets of big business but it’s also socially accepted as a holiday to show your affections towards the one you love.

So if I get nothing close to even what I want – does that mean I am not loved?

What a harsh reality.

It happens to me every year too: I believe that by chance someone finally would find me so special that they would go out of their way for me. They’d fight the odds of the world for me. That they, by god, would want to be a better person for me.

Its ok though. I understand.

I still have hope though. I know what the love looks like and I understand the love I feel. So it should be only a matter of time, right?

Maybe someone will never be able to give me what I so badly desire – it’s not the end of the world. I get to write. I get to smell the fresh air and watch beautiful breathtaking sunsets sets. I can still talk to the stars and see my children grow old.

I hope my children find it. God help the soul of the people who break my children hearts.

Needless to say I find Valentines is a beautiful holiday. It’s an excuse of going out to gloat of the love you have received and the love you can give.

The Observant

I may look as if from the outside I am content and comfortable and for a time I may be bewildered in my journey throughout life.

Yet, do not fret for I carry with me a light that is so bright that I will never truly lose my way.

I have wondered astray into the depth of tangled webs. I’ve seen the likes of heathens and their fairly odd groupies.

Musicians who have clambered for a grasp of the good o’l days.

Men and woman filled with only desire in their eyes.

Friends who have married their first sexual experience and others who are on their second marriage.

No matter how confusing this world and the people in it can be. I’m still here taking it all in.

Writing it down as I have for many years.

Muse

Finding the balance between Love an creation is truly an amazing feeling.

I get to fondle the thoughts of a special kind of love – one that inspires – one that allows me to express myself.

Being me in the rawest of ways without any prejudice or judgement.

I have found my muse.

Romantic Novel

It’s a frightening day.

We’re at meeting for the first time after months… hell years of flirtatious online banter.

You had noticed me first but that’s besides the point. Once I caught a glimpse of you the turmoil ensued.

The rise of passion between your legs with every photo I snapped and the glimmer of hope in your eyes when you realized I felt the same urges towards you.

It has all led to this imagined moment.

The moment when we touch.

The warmth between our bodies can be felt from miles away.

Imagine the heat between us face to face.

The smell of us. Pheromones waiting to

Collide.

Our respective sexual organs preparing for impact.

Our minds filled with overflowing desire.

We’ll for the moments of inexplainable animalistic behavior breathe together, huff and puff as you penetrate my tight cavern over and over again in a rhythmic motion until we …

mmm until we… cum.

The sparklers between my crotch will tingle with so much exuberance that it will shoot up to my brain passing my heart and I will exclaim with a wealth of “holy Fucken god yes.”

Mmm

Loving You

Love:

The desire has me lost.

I want all of you.

Yet I’m scared to breathe this air. I can smell you from miles away yet you’re not here.

I force myself to look in a another’s way for protection. The protection from the deflected love I flung your way and that terribly thick wall of yours that has bounced it back.

I would allow you to hurt me 20 times because that’s the love I have for you. I’m scared to admit that.

I’m open – I’m here for you to take. I lay weak from the weight of this desire.

Id rather not venture further down this road without you.

I sit here thinking about all the things that this life has shown me and how I want to fill your ears with each story.

I wait to see you even if it’s brief.

I don’t know what to say.

I love all of you.

– all of me

Tangled Hearts

Confused by the idea of love I stand bewildered by the endearing concept that there is a one.

I want the touch.

I want the words.

I want the feelings.

When they begin to fade I want the sign that the love from within will still burns as the fires in sky.

I want the twinkles to never dim to the point I can’t see them. The darkness is to much for me to bear.

I hear your voice it calls me to be near. I’m terrified and I know you are to.

Like the lovers tango we glide through this ride trying to not stare into each other’s eyes for to long.

I can hear you – can you hear me?

I want you too.

Manifesting Reality

When I believe something whole heartedly I like to think that I manifest it into reality.

The concept that some predestined desire of mine has already been predetermined/manufactured (so to speak) strictly because at the moment of thought I wished for it – is for a lack of betters words – crazy.

This notion that I have widely believed for a nearly a decade now has come to light recently. Everything that I wanted and/or stated that I wanted and sent out into the universe has arrived.

I have realized my world.

I was quite afraid at first – the work and dedication that goes into believing that something is real without any concrete evidence almost feels like walking off a ledge from a top of the highest building and experiencing the free fall. Except you never hit the ground – you just keep falling until one day you believe you’ll never hit the ground.

I say that and watch I go splat.

Doubt and disbelief is almost as powerful as belief.

There are lots of things in this world that we do not understand and most, I’m sure, are understood incorrectly.

The my glory in life – where my happiness resides – is that I don’t know where we’ve come from I don’t know where we are going but I know how I feel and I know how to express myself.

I yearn for a love and desire to be happy.

One day I will die and I’m ok with that. It’s not a depressing thought for me to realize that I will die. I have the moments I have now to be free, to smell the air, to look at the sky and the nature around us.

I was born lucky enough to see this – to experience this.

Communication is very important.

Musicians are aware of this as they strum the strings of the instruments they play.

Artist are aware of this as they dip their brushes in paint.

No matter how we get our feelings out and no matter who hears us we are free.

Free to manifest our worlds.