Goodbye old and Hello New
I’ve lost my damn mind trying to understand you from afar.
My gravity of lust and desire for your being isn’t far from normal. There’s a connection and it’s tainted.
You are more than aware of my feelings towards you as I am not afraid of expression.
I think I’m more perplexed by the fact that you allow my childish antics to continue… you allow this behavior to exude from me; it’s addicting and maddening.
I don’t want to think about why anymore.
I don’t want to think about you anymore.
I’m tired and I’m getting old.
I’ve truly enjoyed this ride.
I accept this bewildered child within me who gets angry when ignored, dances by herself, and who loves the flirtatious webs she weaves.
I do not accept the empty feelings.
I do not accept the mixed messages.
With that I must unbuckle my seatbelt and get off the ride.
I hope you the best.
You’re incredibly talented and your wit is something that tantalizes wary souls.
But Sir you are a Man not above anyone else and I am no longer accepting to be considered anything less than a Woman.
Your persona you have sculpted very nicely and I understand the shroud.
If you want me you know where to find me.
tutti fucking frutti
It’s funny how things circle around.
I’ve been having deja vu a lot lately and I kept wondering why.
Why at this moment in time am I getting the sensation that I’ve experienced this before?
I discovered an answer that I truly find that best fits.
I’ve experienced a loop of my emotions.
The reality is I most likely am not in some trans-dimensional loophole experience the same events over and over.
The people are different. Hell, even I am different.
BUT how my emotional self feels on the inside due to events that have taken place outside that are similar to events that I have previously experienced is the same.
I’ll say it again.
I’m experiencing the same emotions caused by events that I have previously experienced.
This is sparking the deja vu.
So I’ve noticed that the deja vu takes place particularly with my issues of abandonment or the sense of it.
Previously I would cast away the feeling and ride it off to some idiosyncratic feature that some of us humans have.
But the more it’s happens in the span of the years I’ve been alive the more I’m noticing this consistent pattern – error in my ways so to speak.
These errors In which I love or want love were passed down to me.
So it’s up to me to not pass them down.
I must stop this emotional cycle.
I just got to figure out how.
Here it is the moment of low.
This is where my self worth lies in a wasteland of self-hatred.
I’ve allowed the actions of others to depict the level of my worth.
I currently feel as if I can’t get any lower.
I stare in the mirror and all I see is a hideous beast staring back at me.
She’s ugly and disgusting.
I can’t find anything I like about her.
I know who I am and I know what I am not.
I am authentic and unique.
I stand out among the crowds not because I demand it but because the trials and tribulations have slaughter my inner enemies one at a time and I know stand raised on their carcasses.
We only grow stronger.
So at this moment of low I may look defeated.
Oh but I assure you I am not.
These words that spew from the realms of my thoughts are with conviction.
I am not a victim of this worlds disease to be desired.
I am a survivor.
I will get up.
I will continue and I will achieve my dreams.
I was afraid of the dark as a child.
I conjured up many monsters in my head.
They were very dangerous beast that sought for my destruction.
I wonder how I gave these creatures life and how they’ve carried over into my adult world.
I’ve tailored my life around these imaginary creatures.
I’ve hindered my speech to not set them off.
I’ve walked across different paths to avoid their presence.
I was afraid of the dark as a child.
I can see these beast dancing around their merry way – giving me a side eye as I even attempt to realize they aren’t real.
The reality of this adventure is that I constructed these magical creatures.
Some are truly powerful and can stop me in my tracks in the simplest of ways.
I find it ironic that as a child I was afraid of the dark and now as an adult I’m still plagued by these mystic monsters of my imagination.
I know who they are now:
They are me.
They are my imagination that I have allowed to run wild and hinder myself from becoming the beautiful human I am.
These monsters in my head haven’t taken a limb or destroyed my life. I’ve seen others and the monsters that plague them and I know what can happen.
They play on fear.
They are fears I have, the fears I don’t want to face, the fears I’ve allowed others to pass down.
They are ravenous but they are beatable.
They can be tamed.
I can make them my friends.
I can have them show me a way.
I can use them to my advantage.
I will enjoy my monsters.
There has been a shift.
I can feel the change.
I wonder what I did differently to cause this reaction.
Its as if the traction of the circle has swerved off to a whole new direction. One that I haven’t seen before. It has gone around so many times that the gravity force has flown it elsewhere.
The path of this love has drawn me to many conclusions. Ever changing illusions.
I feel this force that I’ve been attracted to for quite sometime and yet today I’m oddly less frightened of it.
There is a new smell amidst – it’s unfamiliar but alluring.
I remember the days I would run away aware of my kicking and screaming from anything new.
Now replenished with my appreciation of my angst in life I have my pinwheels ready for the next dip – yelling a “weeee” the deeper it goes.
I can see the wheels turning in the minds of my lover.
Is she real?
Is this truly happening?
It’s the same questions I have asked myself many times.
The comic arrays have shifted leading to yet another path of the many various paths out there.
I quite enjoy the ride with it’s topsy-turvy and loop-loos. I wouldn’t recommend it for the weak at heart or the extremely nauseous.
I’ve been quite dizzy and nearly vomited on a few occasions. I’ve felt my chest burn with desire and my blood boil with anger. Nearly fainted once (but staring at death has that affect on me).
I had a quote I made up and loved as a child “Live your life and remember to be happy.”
I’ve spent quite sometime just saying the phrase because it was mine and it just made sense.
Now as the adult roaming the plains of life I see how smart I was as a child.
Learning to live your life all the while remaining yourself and being happy and having joy is definitely a task and in reflection I can say I’ve enjoyed it.
So I’ll skip down this road merrily as I can waiting for you to get your head of the sand to enjoy this with me.
It’s ok if you decide to stay this isn’t a journey for most. In fact I don’t know anyone whose been down this road completely.
Do me one favor if you do decide to stay where you are at and our paths never cross again…
Rest more often.
I saw him coming out of my favorite coffee shop.
He knows I go there everyday.
It’s completely out of his way.
I haven’t replied to his message yet since.
I don’t know what I want.
I thought I wanted an affair, a new husband, I wanted a lifetime friend… someone to share my life, my mind, my body with.
We were entranced with each other for a while. I told him my wants and he refused to move from the medium of sexual banter.
That was of course until he stood there in front of me.
I gave him the look of a deer in headlights I’m sure of it.
I didn’t speak a word to him – hell I blocked him.
But it leaves me perplexed.
What is it that I want?
He was there. He messaged me and wished me a Happy Valentines.
My consciousness scares me sometimes.
I can feel the assumed pain of others.
Yet, the wants of my own – when they realize and after I cast them out onto the universe begging for their return – I see them materialize and I’m stunned.
Maybe I should be careful what I ask for – I have heard that phrase many times.
I want you. Does that mean you too with eventually scare me?
My consciousness frightens me sometimes.
I wake up with a realization I am apart of something way bigger than I – yet some how I still have meaning (even if it’s just to one person).
The weight of the world is indeed to much to bear for one individual and I don’t wish it upon anyone.
I can feel you wanting to be apart of my mind.
I know you want me apart of yours.
I won’t run away.
There are times when I’m so engrossed with trying to be liked by someone that I lose myself.
I forget that I’m beautiful.
I forget that I’m sexy.
I forget that I’m smart.
I forget that I’m worth loving just the way I am.
It’s ironic that I can love someone just the way they are but when it comes believing someone could love me just the same I struggle.
There are times I don’t even realize I’m living in the fallacy. I just see all that is wrong with me.
It’s a terrible way of thinking. Very detrimental to the psyche.
It’s almost like a storm hiding a bright blue sky.
I’m use to it though and I’ve learned to dance in the darkness. I drink the rain and count the paces between the lighting and thunder.
I know my worth and even though there are times I forget it’s all apart of what makes me me.
It makes me unique and shows my resiliency.
It makes me stronger.
I’ve learned to love my journey and take the long road.
When I notice I’ve been in the darkness for to long I pack up my dancing shoes and process self reflection.
I take time for myself.
It’s all about me.
No matter how much I’d like to believe the songs are about me they are not.
Those artist were inspired by someone in their lives and even though they may fit a certain pattern that fits the dynamics of my life. It’s not about me personally.
It’s funny how I can hear song and instantly think of you.
I see you in the realm of my daily life. Just random things that remind me of you.
I wonder if you see me too.
Could someone be hearing me in their life?
Could someone be thinking of me when I am no longer in their presence?
Could someone be seeing my face in their stars?
It’s an interesting thought I’m pondering because it’s forcing me to believe that I may be someones one.